I’m learning to be grateful for the moments where I am not performing. And to realize that all moments don’t have to be like the happy, relaxed, laughing ones in order to have a beautiful life.
I realized that what frightened Luke on the trail was not what he saw. It was what was out of site and unknown. It’s the same for me. The broader I can make my view of the world, the less there is to fear.
A week ago, I took a half a Friday off and rode my bike home from work. The weather was perfect – mid 70s, windy but not too bad. I hoped to bike off months of stress and frustration, clear my head and reenergize myself for my manuscript revision work ahead. An awful load of expectations for a bike to carry.
All I need to do is name the place and you know what’s on my mind. All I wanted was for my son to be happy. I wanted him to have lots of friends and to do well in school. I wanted him to always believe in himself, to go out into the world with confidence and joy. I wanted him to be safe.
I wanted to quit writing about my up-and-down, roller coaster life and start writing posts that would be useful to people. What I discovered is that I may not be any good at being useful. And what is on my mind is finding a new place to board my horse…
Burnout is motivating me to rethink how I’ve been living and make changes to simplify and balance my life
“Mouth open in a silent scream, like a Hitchcock girl on a muted television. Then comes the folding, the doubling over that forces the air out of her lungs in a woosh. Being tough is no longer the point of this game…”
Not to sound morose or overly dramatic, but there are some moments that it seems I can literally feel myself dying. Of course, we all are dying in a way as we age. But generally, we don’t FEEL it — the body going cell by cell. Oops! There goes another one!
About the 2016 GLBTQ Youth Summit, getting outside to enjoy the weather and returning to my writing practice
I am writing this after just coming home from having a one hour, full body, hot stone massage. This wholly relaxed feeling is so foreign that some warped part of me wants to do battle with the Peaceable Kingdom to return to my high strung, whacko, anxious feeling world.