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Broken

1. Forcibly separated into two or more pieces; fractured — broken lives
2. Having been violated — broken promise
3. Being in a state of disarray; disordered — broken ranks 
4. Spoken with gaps and errors — broken communication
5. Subdued totally; humbled — broken spirit 
6. Crushed by grief — broken heart 
7. Not functioning; out of order — Maery Rose

I try to stay away from the topic of depression because I’m supposed to be doing great by now, right? I have my moments, certainly. I’m a highly functional depressed person. I’ve struggled so long with this that I don’t panic anymore. I know how to ride this out. It just wears me out is all.

I went to my NP (nurse practitioner) last week for a blood draw to test my thyroid function and make sure my medication is at the right level. She also decided to check my vitamin D and B12 levels. It’s hard to test for B12 but it would be nice if some sort of deficiency was detected. Anything to explain my fatigue and inability to focus.

“Here, just take a spot of B12 and everything will be all right again.”

My NP sat with her clipboard and pen in hand, asking me the usual questions, “How are you sleeping? How’s your appetite? Do you have supportive family and friends?”

She listened to my answers and finally wrote, “Not suicidal” with a quick scrawl across the page.

I’m a good, Catholic girl. The more suffering the better. It ensures I get a good spot in heaven. At this point, I think I’ve earned myself a log cabin on a glistening blue lake, surrounded by woods and mountain peaks, where the temperature is always in the 70s, the days are long and sunny, and a state park horse trail system is right out the back door.

I’ve become obsessed with the idea of a roadtrip again. I just want to get in my car with Java by my side and drive. I have this fantasy that by the third day on the road, possibly when my Mini crests the top of a hill and I spot a hawk gliding effortlessly over a valley, I will have a sudden epipheny. Clarity will be mine.

Or as my NP said, “Maybe you should take an anti-depressant. No need to suffer unnecessarily.”

Indeed.

I went to my computer yesterday and said  “Oh, mighty cyberspace. Show me a sign. Lead me to someone, something that will pull me out of this slimy pit of sorrow and despair. “

My first computer stop, I ran across a link to a song that made me totally sob. I only wish God’s love was something I was actually able to feel. I’m jealous of those that do.

But I still love the song, I just wish the messages etched in my brain were as easy to erase as words on a chalkboard.

I rode Luke on Monday. I’ve been too busy to get out there much and I could tell it’d been awhile from how stiff and non-flowing Luke felt. Maybe I felt that way to Luke too. Hopefully, I’ll find more time to ride soon.

My son called me today, which always helps me feel better. And a note from his sister really got to me. That’s what helps I guess, people — sweet, gorgeous people.

Oh, sorry, and non-people too!

I have a notebook I carry in my purse and I wrote down my latest motto “Make the best of what is.” I read that sentence whenever my head gets to whining or starts to slink into the dark.

An even better statement came from one of my friends, who has had a bit of her own troubles. She repeated the wise words of her Irish mother,

“If you have two good strong legs and can feel the wind in your hair, you have nothing to complain about.”

I’ve heard this quote from this friend before and I know she wrote it with a wink and a smile on her face. Most the people I know aren’t big complainers. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t hurting.

So here’s another lovely bit of Irish wisdom that I found:

“May those who love us, love us; and those who don’t love us, may God turn their hearts; and if He doesn’t turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles so we’ll know them by their limping.”