Happiness

“It’s a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier healthier life.  As children, we’re told to smile and be cheerful and put on a happy face. As adults, we’re told to look on the bright side. To see glasses as half full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part though. Your health can fail, boyfriends [husbands] cheat, your friends can disappoint. It’s in these moments when you just want to get real, to drop the act, and act your true, scared, unhappy self.”

“Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple. To be happy. Maybe it’s this expectation though, this wanting to be happy, that keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try and will ourselves to states of bliss, the more confused we get, to the point where we don’t recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling, trying like hell to be the happy people we wish we were. Until eventually it hits us, it’s been there all along. Not in our dreams or hopes but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar.”

— Grey’s Anatomy 5/13/2010

If there’s one thing I’d like to overcome in my lifetime, it’s the overwhelming fear I feel in situations like the one I’m in now. I’d like to trust myself and the universe enough to believe it will be okay. But the past hasn’t exactly demonstrated that for me.

Fortunately, I’ve survived this land of terror before and I’ll do it again. Still, I’d like to lay down and wait for the earth to swallow me up. I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep for over a year. I am beyond tired.

In my last job performance review, I mentioned trying to add some marketable skills to find another job when my job ends in two years. I thought maybe web programming might work. I’m supposed to find a program for that and if it doesn’t cost too much, the department will pay for it. I found a one year, on-line program for a couple thousand that I might start after I’m done moving.

The last thing in the world I want to do is spend a year taking programming classes. My brain is not exactly geared for writing code and creating and managing data bases, and I feel too old to learn this sort of thing. I’m more of a copy someone else’s code and edit it kind of girl. And I really wanted to find something else to do besides stare at a computer all day. But where the decent paying jobs are, there I will follow.

Many of the houses I’m looking at have character. In other words, they need walls removed, carpeting ripped out and replaced, painting, new appliances, bug fumigation, and some need bathrooms added (yes, NEED, as I’m not going to run up and down the stairs at night to use the bathroom).

You think I’m kidding don’t you? Better yet there’s a closet with the walls and ceiling covered in the same stuff. I loved it! This is probably why I’m divorced…

But like I said, bringing the wiring up to code and all the other work are huge! And I’m a busy girl. If only I was younger and had the stamina for such a project.

I’m looking for a house with some character, with a story to tell and a decent location and yard. Many of the houses are being sold under duress. Plenty of story there.

Maybe the house and I can rejuvenate together.

Oh yeah, and happiness? Well, I can’t stick with the familiar and comfortable as Meridith recommends. That’s not an option. Unless you count Java and Luke as my anchor points.