Young and Old

I was introduced to sixteen-year-old Minnie Marks on the blog called A Mermaid in the Attic. I was so blown away I had to throw together a post to share the discovery.

Oh to be 16 with so much talent and… I’m searching for the right word without being patronizing. I would say from her outfit she has a sense of humor and playfulness and gutsiness.

I like it.

At that age, I was hiding in the band practice room at lunchtime so I didn’t have to try and find someone to sit with in the lunchroom. Talk about shy and terrified of my own shadow!

I really wish I hadn’t wasted so much of my life being afraid. And regrettably, I’m still struggling.

With my birthday approaching this week, one of my sister’s brought this poem to my attention:

When I am an Old Horsewoman

When I am an old horsewoman
I shall wear turquoise and diamonds,
And a straw hat that doesn’t suit me
And I shall spend my social security on
white wine and carrots,
And sit in my alleyway of my barn
And listen to my horses breathe.

I will shovel and sweat and wear hay in my hair
as if it were a jewel
And I will be an embarrassment to all
Who will not yet have found the peace in being free
to have a horse as a best friend
A friend who waits at midnight hour
With muzzle and nicker and patient eyes
For the kind of woman I will be
When I am old.

-By Patty Barnhart
Originally published in The Arabian Horse World magazine in l992

When I read this poem, I loved the idea of being that horsewoman, but then I remembered that I no longer have a barn and horses in my backyard and I felt a little sad.

Can I not be that woman that I had pictured in my mind being for so long? So often I have had to revamp the dream ideal in my head, the person I thought I would become, the kind of life I would have. But no matter the trappings, the core is there and what I think is this:

Now that I’m an old horsewoman
Or old woman in general
I shall wear whatever I damn well please
Be it overalls and rubber boots
Or a skin tight “Kiss my ass” t-shirt

I will do what I long to do
And dare to say what I should
And maybe also what I shouldn’t
I will find voice and images
For the things that burn
Deepest in my heart