Paddling Upstream

When my cousin and I were around 12 to 14 years old we paddled a rubber raft from the cabin all the way down the shore to the bay. When we turned to go back to the cabin, we were fighting waves and wind in a device that wasn’t exactly built to cut through water. We tried jumping out of the raft and swimming, pulling the raft behind us. We were young and strong swimmers and thought we could do anything we set our minds to, but we couldn’t beat those waves. We finally pulled the raft to shore and walked back to the cabin carrying the raft.


That’s what I’m looking for right now. To find a way to leave the path that’s beating me backwards and take a new route, one that may not be my first choice, but it gets me to my intended destination.


But I haven’t figured out what that new route is yet. Heck, I don’t even know what my destination is, which is what makes me feel like everything I do is so pointless. How can there be points without a destination? Or is it as simple as just finding joy in each day? I don’t know, but I feel like I’ve been unmoored.


I looked up unmoored and in nautical terms it means “to bring to the state of rding with a single anchor after being moored by two or more”. Pretty accurate.


But even without a set destination and despite what I said in my previous post, I will live to write another day. Writing is something I can’t stop doing even if I tried. I may never be formally published, but I have enough readers that I still feel rewarded for my efforts.


I’m older now and it’s not as easy to be a tough, pull myself up by my bootstraps kind of gal. The mind is willing to do and be just about anything I can dream of, but the physical stamina and strength just aren’t there.

I’m pushing hard to get myself to lay some writing milestones down on a calendar that I can shoot for and that will help pull me though the beginning of 2010. I’m an expert at survival and when I see signs of dehydration and starvation, I find means of nourishment. That would be my friends, family, animals, and outdoor activities. And forcing deadlines on myself is akin to not allowing myself to fall asleep in the snow.


Speaking of snow, as much as I love winter activities, sunnier, warmer days are on my brain because of another plan taking shape for 2010. My brain has been perculating thoughts of what I would need to do to take a three week road trip next Spring or Summer.


I’m searching for a rack and container to fit my Mini that I could carry clothes and gear in so Java can have the space in the back of the Mini. I am looking at maps and trying to figure out a route that would take me through Colorado (hopefully meet a few bloggers in the area if I haven’t frightened them too badly) and into New Mexico where I hope my sisters will come meet me. Maybe the Mini Cooper company would back me and fund my adventure…


I originally wanted to drive all the way to California to see my son and then my sister and also wanted to visit “Best Friends” sanctuary in Utah but I’m not sure I can do that much driving by myself.


I hope to stay at campsites along the way, and I’d like it to be some kind of ‘meet and interview people and write about it’ trip.


The venture that I’m dreaming of seems huge and a little scary. I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew.


But it does give me something besides a man to fantasize about.