I Am Worthy, I Am Worth It

I have so many things running around in my head that I could possibly write five blog posts with them or one disturbingly long one that would take my mind-waterfalls and summon up one big gushing tsunami.

But I don’t have the time.

Or the energy.

So here are the bullet points:

• After much trepidation, I signed up for a five day writing retreat. I’ve been second guessing myself ever since I clicked the button to submit my registration. It’s more money than I like to spend on something that, what’s the right word, is unnecessary? It’s taking money that could be spent on something else — like fixing the fading, chipping paint on my house.

  There were these signs that aligned, convincing me that this was an opportunity I would regret passing by out of money worries and a fear that I, or it, will be a disappointment. If I said no to this, it was like saying I’m not worth doing this for. That I and my writing are not worth the time and investment. I wasn’t sure I could get up from accepting that belief. And so I’m going.

• After much trepidation and research into upgrading my Adobe CS3 Creative Suite and seeing that I was so far behind in upgrades that I would have to pay the full blown $1300 purchase price. And that I couldn’t just buy Photoshop alone because either you buy Creative Suite or you pay monthly for using Photoshop in the Creative Cloud. So I downloaded a free beta-version of Lightroom 5 and have been swearing at my computer ever since.

  As you will see from the photos I have included here, I finally figured out how to publish the jpegs and get them onto my blog. I will probably be signing up for a month’s worth of Lynda.com classes so I can figure out the “Develop” editing tools and how to create and use presets.

  The confusion of learning something new is frustrating. “I don’t have time for this $H!+!” has been uttered more than once. But it’s very cool when I figure something out and I am enamored with the mysterious possibilities.

• On a gentler, calmer note, the hydroponic salad table is setup with nutrient mix, is pH balanced and the plants are in place. The weather has been so cool and overcast, I worry the poor things won’t make it, but they needed to go outside.

  Steve constructed a frame covered with plastic to go over the top and protect the plants until they are a bit stronger. Because of the lack of light inside and outside, the seedlings are long and leggy and toppling over. I can relate, feeling a bit sun deprived and ready to fall over myself…

Table filled with water and nutrient solution

Table with seedlings in place

• Raised beds and container gardens have also been filled. I’m trying out some new things like corn, cabbage, and celery. I haven’t a clue what they will do.

• Some of my herbs did come up again from last year’s planting. The mint is doing a bit too well. I’m thinking I need to dig up the mint, chocolate mint, and spearmint and bury containers for them to go back into so their runners can’t spread too far.

• I worked two days last week setting up and helping with the Master Gardener Plant sale. I was so cold and exhausted by the time the sale was over that I went home, crawled into bed, and slept for twelve hours (that’s five hours more than I normally sleep in a night).
• I have gone a bit nuts with my flowering containers this year. Besides the larger containers filled with a mix of plants, each of the marigold plants I bought is in it’s own little clay pot, placed in various corners of the gardens to work their protective magic.  Small pots make maintenance harder – they require more frequent watering and it will need to all be done by hand.

  But I am desperate for color and for something to grow and thrive. I want to see flowers, everywhere I turn.  And because I want to hear the splash of water, and be able to imagine myself sitting alongside a rocky, moving creek bed, there will be a container pond on the deck very soon.

Yes, it’s an ongoing process, but it’s beginning to look like I will have my escape hatch, leading to a peaceful oasis.

“I want so to live that I work with my hands and my feeling and my brain. I want a garden, a small house, grass, animals, books, pictures, music. And out of this, the expression of this, I want to be writing. (Though I may write about cabmen. That’s no matter.) But warm, eager, living life — to be rooted in life — to learn, to desire, to feel, to think, to act. This is what I want. And nothing less.”
― Katherine Mansfield